Do you want fries with that?

Let me introduce you to someone.

This is Johnny.



Johnny works for one of the two major fast food retailers. I won't mention who, but it's McDonalds.

Also, Johnny has a name badge. It has the name stuck on at a wonky angle with one of those plastic letter punch machines, and it has one notable feature. It has no stars on it.

This is the seventh circle of hell. It is a cast iron guarantee that your order will be wrong, you will find a couple of rogue Deluxe Potatoes in your fries, there will be that entertaining incident where he closes the till before he has given you your change and has to suffer wholehearted abuse from the 15 year old mini-Hitler supervisor, and his eyes will raise to the ceiling as if on strings every time you ask for anything.

McDonalds utilise a rating system for their staff, meaning that there are 5 spaces for stars that you fill as you become more experienced at working there. It has always been misconcepted that you receive 5 stars if you manage to stay there all day, but thanks to my diligence I can reveal here what each star is for:

Star no.1 - The basics. Do you hate life and work? To pass this section, you must show complete disdain for all customers. The easy way to pass is to sigh loudly every time someone speaks to you.

Star no.2 - AES. Arse Elbow Syndrome. This is a genetic star, which is why the majority of 2 star and above staff look very similar. It is the ability to get everything wrong without even thinking about it. This is also found in Politics and Belgium.

Star no.3 - Have you washed your hands? Within the last 24 hours (48 if you promise you haven't been masturbating.

Star no.4 - Nonsensical question lines. The accepted form is this:

Customer - "Can I have a large Coke please?"
Johnny - "Do you want fries with that?"

See what I mean? They are drilled to think that the customer is not always right, and more importantly that the customer does not even know what he came in the shop for (please note that I will not call it a restaurant). However there is an easy way to defeat this. Simply ask for a portion of fries. They will be so amazed that someone has pre-empted them so easily that they will go into a form of temporary mental stasis until such time as someone starts yelling that the orange juice machine is broken.

Star no.5 - This one is the final hurdle. It happens approximately one week after joining when the newly bestarred young Johnny opens his pay packet. If he shrugs and accepts it and doesn't start yelling about child labour, that's it! It's that simple!

Johnny now has 5 stars. He is a fully qualified idiot. He will now be rewarded with an enamel badge with the requisite full star area, and his very own place on the Employee of the Month board.

God bless you McDonalds, thank you for your contribution to the worlds frustration.

By the way, if you've got this far - there is a new games section over there on the right.