Chips, with mayo

I'm not actually dead, although not far off it. I've been working a bit too hard again - there's been massive problems with the tunnel once more because of the weather (weather? what the hell is it with British trains and how shit they are?).

I've also spent the last week working in Belgium. You all know how much I love the Belgians. So I've decided to show you ten things you never knew about Belgium.

1. It's possible to fall asleep on Belgian roads. If you are driving anything larger than a car, the lorry ruts in the slow lane are even deeper than those on the M40, so stick it on cruise, and inspect the inside of your eyelids - you're only going in a straight line. NB This does not work when someone pulls out in front of you. Which is annoyingly common - this is Belgium here guys you know.

2. The Brussels orbital road is called the "Ring", not just the Ring Road, but the "Ring". So I can say in a perfectly non-gay way that I spend a good tiring hour every night "riding the ring"

3. They invented French fries. But somehow forgot to call them Belgian fries. The French still haven't stopped pissing themselves about that.

4. Stella Artois.

5. Complete lack of anyone famous at all.

6. They also invented mayo on fries. If offered, don't take this. They put so much mayo on them your dinner looks like the set of a Peter North film.

7. The Shell petrol station just inside the border from France has a defective card machine. But the little blonde who works there is spectacular.

8. Statue of peeing boy in Brussels city centre regarded globally as "hilarious"

9. The Butte de Lion monument at the Waterloo battlefield has a hill so steep that if you fall down it, you roll so fast that you arrive at the bottom a fraction of a second before you fell over. (Proved by Ribby, May 2003 - see picture)



10. They don't have enough points of interest to complete a ten-point list.

11. This list goes to eleven.