God is selfish.

Nice start for a) my first post in a while and b) my last post for a while.

I'm off for a couple of weeks to the (not) sunny UK for Christmas, and it was while I was thinking about the lack of weather, that I realised exactly how selfish and thoughtless our lord and master is.

Firstly, he selects Israel as the birthplace of his Messiah. Even at the time it was a bad idea due to the density of Romans in that area, and now look at it - chock full of dynamite belt toting headcases. Think you dropped the ball on that one God. OK I admit the nativity wouldn't quite be the same image if it was set in Nuneaton, but there's a hell of a lot less machine guns there.

The other point was the weather. I mean come on, Israel has pretty similar weather most of the year round, so why the fuck did he choose December, when it's ball-freezingly cold everywhere else? It would have been a lot nicer if he'd have arranged for the Immaculate Conception to be carried out in about October time, ensuring a clement birthday for all. It's not like he did it for the Australians is it?

Anyway enough of me inviting death-threats from the Christian right and the Catholics, and probably every other emotionally-sensitive religious fringe. I'm off now.

Have a great Christmas everybody, I'll be back just prior to New Year.

Happy holidays!

Let there be dark

I'm working too hard, it's official. In fact, this morning I had worked for 30 of the previous 36 hours, which I am sure you will all admit, is a bit much. So that's my excuse for not posting for a while.

This, while not entirely related, has contributed to the need for this post. Regular diners at the Rib Shack will remember a previous story of mine that is very relevant. But enough of being obtuse, lets get on with it.

Lamp-posts.

Sounds surreal, doesn't it? Lamp. Posts. Twatting great big metal sticks with a light bulb on top. Specifically designed to be very easy to see, especially in the dark. However, this masterpiece of engineering didn't help me too much yesterday.

There I was, quite happily executing an illegal U-turn in the centre of Paris at stupid o'clock in the morning, when I realised a glaring error in the tutoring of my driving instructor.

"When executing a U-turn, indicate your intention, move to the correct side of the lane, look left to ensure there is no traffic. Look right to ensure there is no traffic. Look left again, then right again and if all is clear then continue with the maneuver"

This advice contained one enormous omission. He did not tell me to look straight ahead. Had he of done this, I would of course have done so, and therefore would have seen the huge lamp-post that was rapidly hoving into view. I realised the problem when I was woken from my reverie by what can only be decribed as "the noise of paying an insurance excess", which sounds very similar to a large truck impaling itself on a lamp-post. Under the circumstances, my initial comment of "ooooooooohhhh FUCK!" does't quite cut it.

So I have no truck, as it is 'proper' fucked. My boss hates me again. But I do have a shiny new fast as shit van as a reward which is nice. Maybe if I crash that he'll give me a Porsche. But then again, maybe not.