Docuwont

Only 2 days to go now before Operation Ribby. Pretty good thing too as once again my boss has realsied that I will be having 2 months off work so he's been working me like an immigrant Chinese cockle-picker.

Not only was I late in from Brussels this morning, but because of it I was hit with the double whammy of both rush hour traffic and was also stuck behind every bin lorry in Christendom in the city. Hope you like that phrase, I coined it whilst idling behind a veritable phalanx of them and decided it had to be used.

My blogging as a result will either be lighter or heavier dependant on access to a computer. I have a couple of new posts planned, including a nice one entitled "I work with morons"

Also, why is everyone else on a blogging holiday? Are you all alive?

Tissue of lies

OK, so I've just returned from another few days in the UK (seems like I'm spending more and more time there at the moment).

However, I can now bring you the final chapter in the legal saga of The Hero vs The Twat.

Friday just gone was the day. The big day. The stand up in front of judge and argue your case day. One that of course, was very successful for one party and very unsuccessful for the other. In case you hadn't realised from the tone of this post, I won. Not only won, but I litigally kicked his arse. NB I'm not sure if 'litigally' is a word, but it seemed to work quite well there, cos it sounds bit like literally.

If you remember from the previous post, an application was made by the Twats solicitor to dump him as he had obviously been telling porkies from day 1. This was finally successful, leaving the Twat to (hehe) defend himself. Let's put it this way, he's probably not going to be attending law school. My brief took him apart, the judge took him apart, my witness and I both had a stab at it and even he made a few points for my case himself.

The end result was a judgement of 100% liability for the accident to the Twat. What's that noise? Ahh, it's the sound of my full no-claims bonus returning to earth, along with the bag of money that will be decided in the near future. Divine justice.

Frank.

Chinese Whispers. A wonderful game.

Even more fun when utilised in real-life. This morning I was waiting for one of my colleagues in Paris when I bumped into a driver from another company that I hadn't seen for a couple of months.

"Hi mate" I called, as befitting a 2-month absence. I was thoroughly unprepared for the torrent of words that greeted me "Oh wow, you're OK!", "We were really worried", "You're looking really well" and the like. Not any particular reason for this outburst to be honest.

After delving a little bit, it turns out that news of Operation Ribby has emerged and gravitated to other companies. And in the process, surprisingly, the words "hip operation" have been magically transformed into "brain tumour".

He thought I was wearing a hat to cover up lobotomy scars. So just to be clear, as said so immortaly by the Governator: ""It's not a tumour!"

Chips, with mayo

I'm not actually dead, although not far off it. I've been working a bit too hard again - there's been massive problems with the tunnel once more because of the weather (weather? what the hell is it with British trains and how shit they are?).

I've also spent the last week working in Belgium. You all know how much I love the Belgians. So I've decided to show you ten things you never knew about Belgium.

1. It's possible to fall asleep on Belgian roads. If you are driving anything larger than a car, the lorry ruts in the slow lane are even deeper than those on the M40, so stick it on cruise, and inspect the inside of your eyelids - you're only going in a straight line. NB This does not work when someone pulls out in front of you. Which is annoyingly common - this is Belgium here guys you know.

2. The Brussels orbital road is called the "Ring", not just the Ring Road, but the "Ring". So I can say in a perfectly non-gay way that I spend a good tiring hour every night "riding the ring"

3. They invented French fries. But somehow forgot to call them Belgian fries. The French still haven't stopped pissing themselves about that.

4. Stella Artois.

5. Complete lack of anyone famous at all.

6. They also invented mayo on fries. If offered, don't take this. They put so much mayo on them your dinner looks like the set of a Peter North film.

7. The Shell petrol station just inside the border from France has a defective card machine. But the little blonde who works there is spectacular.

8. Statue of peeing boy in Brussels city centre regarded globally as "hilarious"

9. The Butte de Lion monument at the Waterloo battlefield has a hill so steep that if you fall down it, you roll so fast that you arrive at the bottom a fraction of a second before you fell over. (Proved by Ribby, May 2003 - see picture)



10. They don't have enough points of interest to complete a ten-point list.

11. This list goes to eleven.