Bastards.

I mean it. Total Bastards.

I'm never going to get those three hours of my life back, no matter how hard I try.

I have just built a three drawer chest of drawers, a huge double wardrobe with lights and crap that appears to have been selected purely on the basis of weight; and what happens? The final piece happened, that's what.

The hanging rail has two screws - two screws that are obviously far too big for their holes, even to the naked eye. As a result, what should have been my lap of honour turned into a blinding rage of epic proportions.

Just after I had calmed down and was throwing away all the empty boxes, guess what I came across? That's right, an un-empty box full to the gills of the upstairs TV unit that I had forgotten about. I knocked that one out in record time with no injuries surprisingly, and I am now relaxing with a beer. But don't get me wrong, Ikea just made the List.

I'll give you an update tomorrow on what happened last weekend in the UK, but trust me, it was fantastic. I haven't drunk so much since I was last out with Phut

Kill me now....

I'm just about to start building some furniture from the Hell-shop.

Spare me a thought - I'll try and update you later if I'm not in hospital. I think I have a fair bit to catch up on.

Screwdriver......READY!

Amazing!

I haven't got time to talk as just going out to work.

But look at this - it's actually incredible

How to fold a shirt

Guess the internet can teach you something. Gotta run, laters.

Firin' blanks

Today we have one of those stories that both shocks you, and makes you crack up laughing.

In Uttar Pradesh, in India, the government has a problem. They have a population explosion which is impossible to control, and a Wild-west type frontier society with a backlog of a half-a-million gun licences. So what can they do?

The answer, it seems, was pretty simple. For them at least.

They have decided to offer gun licences in return for male sterilisations. Two for a shotgun, five for a revolver. Strange idea, but not as strange as the poor people who work on rich peoples farms whose owners want a gun licence.

According to the above story, Jagdish Singh says "I was given a green pill that I was told wards off malaria. I don't remember anything else. My life is over"

Should have taken the blue pill, Jagdish.

Also it appears that Yasser Arafat is dead again. Hope he feels better soon.

Wankers

In an unprecedented knee-jerk reaction, the RIAA has teamed up with pornstar Jenna Jameson.

According to papers filed in Sacramento, California, the pair have instigated lawsuits against 130 individuals accused of illegal downloads of pornography, thus depriving both of them of an important revenue stream. RIAA spokesman Paul McPooden stated "The increase of downloads of pornography on the internet using illegal file-sharing programs has come to a head and we hope that the resolution of this case will be the climax of our war on this illegal theft"

However the news may not be all bad for the sad, lonely and those under 16 among us, one of the accused is a chief of police in California who has responded by lodging charges against Ms Jameson on counts of prostitution, as this clearly shows a person giving sexual favours for monetary gain; and subsequently against the RIAA on charges of pimping.

Ouch! Dog on a string

Three DIY tasks carried out today; a bulb change (easy one), putting up some curtains (bastard), and a wing mirror repair (almost got run over). Sum total of injuries: One! My friends, I am improving - no longer do I twat myself walking down the street, but give me a hammer and it's still blue fingernail time.

There is a more serious note here however. Over the weekend I dropped a line to an old friend of mine Robin King. Yes, I realise that to some of my readers he is still, after all these years "that bloke who jumped into the swimming pool", but he is also a talented and accomplished actor.

He also runs a production company that is preparing to shoot a short film called Five Card Stud, which, when you click on the link, you will find has a great screenplay. Although in fairness I did see the punchline coming as soon as John received his cards. However, I have a feeling that that was intended. Although I do not know most of the cast, I do know David Crow who is also a very talented actor, and I have no reason to believe the others would be less so.

The point here is, and Robin is unaware of my activity so don't blame him, that the film still needs some funding to enable it to be finished. As a result I am asking that The Rib Shacks readership of 4 (yes it has increased) take a visit to the site, read the script, and consider donating a small amount of money to help it through. I have some faith in this, and I have never forgotten that Robins mum and dad took me on holiday to Butlins in Minehead about a thousand years ago, so I will be donating 20GBP (can you believe my keyboard doesn't have a pound sign?) and I hope that some others of you will follow my lead.

Franco is still dead

However, Arafat isn't. He was alive yesterday, then dead, then alive again. Even Jesus only managed resurrection once. Wonder what Chimpy thinks about that?

So obviously he isn't going to last much longer. My bet - Monday. Leave a comment with your predictions.

Weekend at al-Bernies

Some of my regular readers will remember that during the Euro 2004 football tournament I pointed out that I really have to stop making predictions. If you don't it's in the archives there somewhere.

Last week I predicted that Osama bin Laden would be located just prior to the election. OK I was slightly wrong on that one, but a video of him did appear almost precisely when I predicted threatening the US. Shocking.

I also predicted that Yasser Arafat would be returning to Ramallah in a box. Looks like I may well have been right on that one as well. Reports today indicated that he was "clinically dead", although later he was transferred to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive" 2 bonus points for the quote source there if anyone knows.

I think that it's likely that the Palestinians will be denying he will be dead for some time to come, even if he actually is, leaving opportunities for an hilarious "Weekend at Bernies" type situation.



Maybe I shoule be predicting up next weeks lottery numbers.

Y'alls fucked now

According to the mantra of The Rib Shack, a million monkeys on a million typewriters couldn't fuck things up this badly. Conversely, however, it appears that 53 million people on a couple of dozen voting machines can.

So has led to another 4 years of Chimpy McFlightsuit playing at being the CEO of America, Inc.



You've just got to dread whats going to happen now that he has a clear mandate and doesn't have to think about getting elected again. Full credit to John Kerry for being a man about the whole thing and conceding defeat in a dignified manner. I'm not saying that the Republicans wouldn't have done the same thing, but look what happened last time.

America was the real winner yesterday - 110 million plus people out to vote, an incredible number, one that they seriously should be proud of.

Bring on the British elections, see if we can kick that grinning twat out of office. I'll do a pic of him when he does something stupid.

They're under starters orders....

Now, as Election Day breaks across the pond, The Rib Shack can bring it's very own specially commissioned first of election day opinion polls.

That's right, it's the Voter Vitriol poll.

As you can see, vitriol is running high in the key swing battleground states, a phrase you had never heard until recently, and certainly have no wish to hear again.


(pops)

Those damn Floridians are loving it, they're just getting ready to drop the other shoe, in about, oh, 17 days time.